Recently, the Men’s Club had a chance to sit down with Ralph Altenried and listen to all sorts of prognostication on a variety of topics. One of those topics was new 2019 Mens Club member Kris Yardley and his impressive start to Mens Club tournament season. For a little perspective on how Ralph views himself athletically, now and in his “prime”, he has indicated the following in past conversations:
1. If he were marking Lionel Messi, Messi wouldn’t be able to score. This is currently the best footy player on the planet and possibly the best of all time but “(Ralph) was fast and would just drop a shoulder into the center of his chest to slow him down”, so no chance Messi could get by him.
2. He could take Manny Pacquiao. Apparently Ralph “has 100lbs on him” and would just “bull rush” one of the best fighters, pound for pound, to have fought. We searched for the meaning of bull rush as many of us were excited to learn about a boxing technique that we had never heard of. To our surprise we learned that bull rush is a term used for a technique only ever seen at the Haney Hotel in the 1970’s which can only be executed while intoxicated. We really wish there was video back then…
3. Ronda Rousey would be no match for Ralph. It is difficult to recall Ralph’s exact words on this one as we were all laughing too hard…
So, understanding how Ralph views himself, we asked how he thought he would fare in a match against Yardly. Ralph in his usual understated fashion, started by answering in a politically correct kind of way by explaining how “his short game would bury Kris because he can get hot an go on a little run, it’s about flexibility (Ralph does look like very flexible guy)”. We asked Ralph if he realized Kris also had a polished short game, to which Ralph replied “I am the 2013 Ironman champion you know” and then things got a bit personal. “Look, I will play him from any tee box he wants to play from, playing off his drive. I will grind the sh&% out of him. It’s about up here (pointing to the head), it’s not about the piece of gold attributes” but “he has to play his normal game (no 3 irons of the tee we think he means)”. “I’m coming with my A game, the gloves are off. For 7 or 8 years I got slaughtered but I came back. Don Gold and Larry Valcamp would be proud because I am continuing the bullsh&^* ~ we used to get noodled”. He concluded with “call me a sheep (Update – later we learned it was the infamous sheep award Ralph was referring to)”, which still has us thinking… The discussion got so raucous at one point that even the soft spoken Victor Omaye got riled up and challenged Chris Begg to a match with Victor (+3) off the white tees and Chris off the black as the undercard for the Altenried/Yardley main event so for those of you wanting ring side seats on this one it will have to be as entourage. So much like the obligatory scuffle that breaks out at prize fight weigh in, the gloves are now off. When is the match happening boys?