Stuff I’m thinking about and conspiracy theories
We haven’t seen our Club Champ at the course in a few months so I called Steve Rice-Jones this week to see if he’s ok. He told me he’s been taking counseling to help him deal with his phantom left leg syndrome.
Steve said he was doing really well with his counseling. He even asked me several times, “Com’n Minto, ask me where my left leg is right now?”
I told him I believed in him and his capacity to know the whereabouts of his legs but Steve continued to badger me and even offered to bet $20 that he would know the exact location of both legs if I asked. I was tempted to bet but, over the phone, there’s no ability to verify his answer.
Speaking of sure bets, I think Angelo Viani is a member of the Illuminati.
Here are some facts:
- He was born in Italy just a stone’s throw from the Vatican.
- His Mom worked at the Vatican as a seamstress for the Pontiff.
- Angelo became one of the most popular alter boys even though he got caught taking money from the donation plate.
- Each time little Angelo was caught he begged for forgiveness exclaiming he was taking money to feed the weak and needy.
- The money was for his weakness and need for wine.
- After arriving in Canada, Angelo became an electrical inspector.
- Angelo is connected with the Vatican, the birthplace of the Illuminati.
- He’s an electrical inspector.
- We all need electricity for light.
- The word “light” translates to illuminate in both official languages of the Illuminati; Latin and Italian. The word illuminate is a derivative of the noun “Illuminati”.
I rest my case.
I’m starting to believe that Ralph Altenried could take Pacquiao in a street fight.
The street would have to be the size of a small closet where Pacciquo could not move and his hands would have to be taped together to restrict him from punching. Also, there would have to be no disqualification clause for a fighter showing up 10 minutes late.
Yamamoto is really Pablo Escobar.
There’s already speculation that Escobar faked his death. What most people don’t know is that Escobar escaped Columbia on a ship destined for Japan. While in Japan, he had major plastic surgery to obtain a new identity. Like Yamamoto, Escobar does not speak Japanese so during his pre-surgery consultation, he could not inform Japan’s top surgeon that he did not want facial reconstruction to make him look Japanese.
After the surgery, Escobar tried to get back into the drug trade but the Cartel bosses decided it would be best to send him to Canada. The Cartel changed his name to “Yamamoto” which in Castellano means; “Man who drives long way to play golf, sells drugs and cannot take more than 2 days off work in a row.”
I made a few calls this week to try and get Dunsire a beer sponsorship.
Here’s my call script:
Me: Hello Mr. President of Molson’s Brewery. I understand you guys sponsor world-class athletes in every sport but don’t sponsor professional drinkers.
I represent a professional beer drinker; a true beer-chugging savant, still in his prime despite being close to 60.
President of Molsons: I didn’t know that beer drinking was a sport.
Me: Officially it’s not. If it was, then I’m representing the G.O.A.T.
President of Molsons: What kind of partnership are you looking for?
Me.: We need unlimited beer for my client and because no one wants to drink alone, a wine budget for his buddies. In reciprocity, my client will only drink your Canadian brand and I, personally, will pressure-wash your back-yard deck once a year.
President of Molsons: Can I get back to you on this offer?
Me: I can sweeten the pot and make Molsons the official beer sponsor of the “Altenried – Paciquio Small Closet Fight”.
The four stages of drinking with Glen Shapendonk:
Stage One: Glen orders a drink and shares stories about his friends, fond memories and discusses world events.
Stage Two: Has had 3 drinks and talks more loudly about friends, fond memories but has no more interest in world events.
o Has had 6 drinks and starts slurring and questioning why he’s still friends with some guys because they’re jackasses.
o Officially proclaims to anyone within arms’ length, “You guys are now my best friends forever.”
o Despite being served all night by a server, begins to go to the bar to get us drinks.
Stage 4: After 10+ drinks and 1 hour of serving experience he shouts;
“LET’s GO DEEP” every 5 minutes until he falls unconscious.